Financial Literacy: How to Pretend You Have Your Life Together

Ah, financial literacy—the mystical art of knowing what to do with money besides spending it on shit you don’t need. Somewhere out there, responsible adults are building wealth, growing their savings, and investing in things with names like “index funds” while you’re wondering if it’s socially acceptable to spend $6 on Starbucks coffee every morning on your way to work.

If the words budgeting, saving, or credit score make you want to crawl into a blanket fort and hide, don’t worry—you’re not alone. Financial literacy sounds complicated, boring, and way too grown-up. But since pretending you have your life together is half the battle, here’s a funny, sarcastic guide to financial literacy for the rest of us.

Step 1: Budgeting—A Fancy Word for “Telling Yourself No”

Budgeting sounds great in theory. You sit down with a calculator, make a list of your expenses, and tell your money where to go like a boss. In reality, it’s more like realizing you’ve been spending half your paycheck on overpriced lattes and impulse purchases from that “weird stuff you didn’t know you needed” section on Amazon.

The key to budgeting is lying to yourself. You create a beautiful spreadsheet, label categories like “Essentials” and “Fun,” and then promptly ignore it the moment you see something shiny on sale. But hey, at least you tried, right?

Coaching Insight: Rename your budget categories to something more realistic, like:

 • Rent (AKA Goodbye, Half My Income)

 • Food (Mostly Snacks)

 • Self-Care (Code for Online Shopping)

Step 2: Saving Money—For a Future You Who Doesn’t Exist Yet

Saving money requires a special kind of discipline. You have to deny Present You the joy of spending so that Future You can one day have something called “financial security.” But here’s the problem—Future You is kind of a stranger. Why should Present You suffer for someone who doesn’t even exist yet?

Still, experts say saving is important, so you dutifully set up a savings account and deposit whatever’s left after paying for rent, bills, groceries, and that totally necessary weekend brunch. So, basically, $7.

Coaching Insight: Automate your savings so you don’t have to think about it—or, more importantly, so you don’t have to resist the urge to transfer it back into your checking account every time you want to “treat yourself.”

Step 3: Understanding Credit Scores—A Mysterious Number That Controls Your Life

Your credit score is that all-powerful number that determines whether you can get a loan, rent an apartment, or buy a car. No one fully understands how it’s calculated, but it somehow knows if you’ve ever returned a library book late or thought about skipping a credit card payment.

Keeping your credit score high is like trying to impress a snobby friend who only likes you if you pay your bills on time and never carry a balance. One wrong move, and suddenly it’s like, “Sorry, your score just dropped 50 points because we felt like it.”

Coaching Insight: Pay your bills on time, keep your credit utilization low, and avoid applying for too many credit cards—unless they come with cool rewards, in which case… well, good luck.

Step 4: Investing—Where You Give Your Money to Strangers and Hope for the Best

Investing is where financial literacy gets really spicy. It’s all about putting your money into things like stocks, bonds, and mutual funds and then waiting to see if it grows—or vanishes into thin air. People who understand investing say things like “diversify your portfolio” and “don’t put all your eggs in one basket,” while the rest of us are just trying to figure out what a dividend is.

For beginners, investing can feel like gambling with slightly better odds. You download a fancy app, buy some shares in a company you’ve vaguely heard of, and then obsessively check your balance every five minutes. It’s thrilling, terrifying, and deeply confusing.

Coaching Insight: Start small, do your research, and avoid the temptation to YOLO your entire savings into some “hot new stock” you heard about on Reddit.

Step 5: Retirement Planning—Because Apparently, You Can’t Work Forever

Retirement planning feels like the ultimate joke. You’re supposed to save and invest money for a time decades in the future when you can finally stop working and relax. But let’s be real—you’re still trying to figure out how to afford next week’s groceries.

Experts recommend contributing to a 401(k) or IRA because of something called compound interest, which sounds suspiciously like magic. Basically, the earlier you start, the more Future You will thank you. But honestly, it’s hard to care about retirement when Present You is living on instant ramen.

Coaching Insight: Contribute whatever you can, even if it’s just a little. Future You might actually turn out to be cool.

Step 6: Emergency Fund—AKA Your “Oh shit” Money

Financial gurus say you should have 3-6 months worth of expenses saved for emergencies. This fund is meant to cover things like surprise car repairs, medical bills, or an unexpected zombie apocalypse. Unfortunately, building an emergency fund takes time, which means you’ll likely experience an emergency before you finish saving.

Coaching Insight: Start small—like, really small. Even having a couple hundred bucks saved can make a big difference. And if nothing else, it’ll give you the illusion of being financially responsible.

Conclusion: Financial Literacy—Fake It ‘Til You Make It

Mastering financial literacy isn’t about being perfect—it’s about making slightly fewer terrible decisions than you did last month. Whether you’re budgeting, saving, investing, or trying to figure out why your credit score dropped 10 points for no reason, the key is to keep going. And when all else fails, just remember: everyone is kind of winging it, even the so-called experts.

Now, go forth and pretend to be financially literate. You’ve got this! Probably.